unpredictable life

a wk of few ups and lots of downs, tts wat i call unbearably painful..

field camp is taxing, physically n mentally.. there are ppl whom i cant really understand.. wat exactly are their attitude towards me.. i've told myself wat ppl think isnt really impt but it is impossible to let those things affect me..

i wonder if i am becoming more irrational (due to lethargy) finding those comments offending or it is really offensive.. i choose to believe i am jus too tired to distinguish n assume it means no harm.. or i dun wanna explode suddenly to offend someone.. but i jus got this feelin tt those comments arent friendly..

reasons one gave is bias, the tough part is whether to assume it is "jus joking".. but tt facial expression obviously tells me "no".. i duno if i can still take anymore of kbing from d person who becomes unhappy when i kb back.. if it is for mutual kb fun, i wont mind those crap but it always tend to go one way.. i shall jus tolerate for the nxt few wks.. hopefully i wont lose it during GRAND SLAM.. but if circumstances force me to.. i jus hope the damage is minimal.. anyw, he's my other bed buddy..

if i am finding myself in trouble w so many diff ppl suddenly, then it may b my own problem - unable to interact w ppl well.. do i need to change again? i cant understand y ppl tend to get so piss off when 1 gets picked by PC for OCS.. i think he "deserves" it even though there are ppl suggesting he is jus wayang.. he has tt leader style.. one can be selfish.. actually all ppl are selfish.. they only help those whom they think deserve help.. he is physically fit, when role playing, he does it well.. so i really dun see any reason y they dislike him getting selected.. well, i think i shud go back to my PRACTICAL ways again.. y shud i fk care? supporting or disliking him doesnt benefit at all.. i live for no one.. qk is for himself..

self-reflection: i jus think my tone isnt gd when i talk to ppl.. it sounds hostile i guess.. i shall live by my new motto: practical - get things done n fk off

peer appraisal is stupid.. humans arent supposed to be ranked.. n the ranking system isnt going to show an accurate representation of the reality.. forget it.. i am getting affected by it again..

my aunt + my cousin who came back from england for holiday + my parents gave me another round of talking, urging me to get started on applying for overseas MED.. i shant use "overseas uni" cos my aunt insists on MED only..

it is jus being practical again.. MED ensures u haf a job in future.. i am "pressurized" to write personal statement etc etc.. isnt tt extra workload? i really have no mood even to think abt it.. but they "forced" me somehow to say yes.. a no means more persuasion, i cant lose my temper - it isnt worth disrupting the harmony in the family becos of tt.. anyw, i want to be mild when i am civilian.. always be "nice"..

imissu2 - begins w missing a person, hoping tt someone is missing me too.. now, it's got a different meaning, i miss my freedom to do watever i want.. no need to "wayang" to make ppl happy.. i am a person w multiple personality.. a personality for a situation.. tiring, isnt it? am i a hypocrite? i aint sure too.. but i live by my vaules - do not hurt others in any way..

knowing n making friends w the kilo 2ic is really special.. ppl "teasing" me i have a godfather in camp.. sayin tt i got myself a backer.. childish ppl..

ok.. i am too zzzzzzzz to write anything intelligent.. but as usual i will end this entry w my self-praising!

qk rox, he's the best
wat an incoherent entry!!