a lot of blue days..

unexplanable.. blue days always happened to come..

unable to slp last nite.. took some time drawing something for sergeant lionel.. anyw it was said tt we haf to write somethin for lionel.. no one actually did esp when most of section 2 are playin.. all i rmbed vaguely was someone askin me to draw the card..

sometimes i dun understand y we r doin certain things.. jus for show.. so called designing the card.. it was somethin i did when i had nothin "better" else to do.. i do appreciate the things lionel did for us.. however, i dun think i noe him tt well n i am tt close to him to take the initiative to draw somethin for him esp thinkin some other ppl can do it.. it took so long for everyone to write for him.. to me, it jus gives me the impression ppl write for the sake of writing.. cos one writes so the other writes.. or one writes cos the rest asked him to write.. if there isnt anythin much to write abt.. for me, i feel tt y bother to write?

i noe i wont draw anythin if everyone is arnd.. it is jus nt my style.. doin things alone.. on my own.. only showing product, regardless of it's quality (at least it passed my person quality control).. at least there were some compliments on the pic.. it feels gd.. lol

SOC.. one short n swt comment: i can pass..

i am getting quite sick of NS.. not mainly becos of the training.. the uncomfortable long4 contributes partially to my misery.. ppl in camp have so many kinds of personality w different set of values.. i am quite sure many of them contradict mine.. i guess i am losing patience w some kind of personalities.. more vulgarities are coming out from me.. more snapping at others.. i treasure time alone.. like tuesday nite.. not slpin n drawing stuff..

i cant understand y there are ppl who refuse to sing out loud or cheer loudly.. e.g infantry roar.. since the sergeants alr said do a gd one or else keep doin.. so y not jus shout loudly n use some energy.. the sergeants are only lookin for volume n not content.. the louder the better.. i believe tt there are 2 grps of idiots.. one grp refuses to raise their volume even though warning is given.. the other grp tries to yell louder to cover up.. my voice is kinda dead.. i hate it.. it drains energy even when i speak.. ppl cant even figure out clearly when i speak over the phone.. yucks..

gd luck.. i want my voice back

another wk.. (routine repeats)

one wk of intensive activities had gone. on hindnote, i guessed it seemed tougher on paper. after experiencing it, everythin looks fine now.

monday's endurance training wasnt v helpful in preparation for tuesday's 16k route march. the number of pushups, jumping jets and buddha claps was physically demanding. it struck me tt i wasnt as fit as i thought i was, esp for the lower limbs. i felt rather demoralised.

it was also one day after med results were released.. the fact tt my frens were approved entry and i wasnt even shortlisted was kinda hard to take. i was v happy 4 them for they got somethin they yearned for. it is the same reason y i felt so down - i didnt get the thing i wanted.

bad things always come at one go.. the discouraged feeling escalated thanx to the songlist in my mp3. it was so immense tt i wrote an journal entry in the bunk. it's so unlike me.

not forgetting the hungry stomach which contributed to the depressed nite. for breakfast, i was oso hungry too. i ate so many pieces of white plain wheat bread. NS changes ppl, for someone like me who will not touch plain bread, gobbling down so many pieces, it was shocking even to me.

it oso didnt help when i started thinkin of her again. i can hardly find any topic to talk to her abt. her uni applications wasnt successful. as usual, it was a topic i wasnt supposed to show concern. once again, she shut me off.

sms - selective messaging system. one can choose not to answer a qn by ignoring a sms. one can ignore a person by not replying a sms. u haf to wait for sms, it eats into time.

i guess i will proceed on.. 16k march.. it was a day of sweating and yelling. after the march, i looked as if i jumped into the swimming pool w my long4. had abrasions but why bother? for the shower.. i even ran up the stairs after sending arms.. the inner thighs were burning, like wat she used to say abt me.. i duno how to take care of myself..
alot of ppl had muscles cramps and aches, i was glad i din haf any except for the abrasion. thanx to all the soccer since sec sch.. always play until calf muscles cramp. i guess my legs are used to the cramps alr. lol.
as for the singing during route march, there were always ppl who doesnt sing. i dont blame them cos it takes energy to sing. they were being "smart" by conserving energy to last the march. i was quite pleased w myself since i sang and yelled esp the last 4 k back to company line. mayb due to the fact i was directly behind 2IC while we marched. i guessed i had to show him tt we were singing, at least those nearest to him so he wont quicken the pace and cause the entire company to suffer. i experienced it during the first 4k, i was the 3 last person.. since i din like tt, i dun want others to exp it. for the good of all.. someone has to suffer.. now, my voice is kinda lost..
lol..

had PC interview since i put no preference for command sch. this makes me wonder wat is the meaning of a leader. everyone has their own definition of the word. mayb i will write abt this in another entry.

the few days after the march, i had lots of running.. ippt.. i passed.. 7 chin ups.. all time highest.. 2.4k - 9min48s, should be my fastest so far.. i could run faster if not becos of the tonner blocking my way, forcing me to stop for awhile. the running boosted my morale abit.. i am FIT!!!

my section is always packed w fun. platoon mates from other sections always visit us for the chinese chess. we even have a paper ball.. lol.. tts so stupid.. there is always a mp3 playing music for the bunk. although the songs were mostly commercialised chinese pop which i dun fancy, i have to say it was still kinda nice.. 13 ppl in the bunk.. more than half likes it.. it doesnt matter.. i haf my own mp3 n my own sorrow music..

time for a rest.. i dun feel like writing anymore..
everything depends on my mood..
looking forward to the class dinner.. hopefully more ppl can go..

another day..

this book out is so different from the previous 2 book outs.. i din meet up w anyone except for some platoon mates for soccer..

slpin is a luxury.. i love my bed.. the life on tt island is getting more n more borin.. hope tt the following wk, i can spice it up w some self-entertainment of my own.. i dont feel like callin ppl when i am on tt island.. my phone bills shocked me.. lol.. i guess i cant help it.. talkin on the phone provides "life" there..

i got tt feelin of missin someone again..

i detest the feelin of blankness..

at least i noe.. i haf the mp3 at night.. some songs will ease the tension within..

reflections

another 2 weeks or more had passed. 2 book-outs, 1 book-in. it seems that book-in/out has just become another routine, it isnt special anymore. maybe my enthusiasm has died down or i am finally seeing reality.

i din manage to come face to face with a wild boar. it was a regret. outfield had ended for this phase of training, maybe in future i may see some wild boars. i hope. i hope.

digging your own "grave" was kind of exhausting. digging requires technique. i believe i've acquired some. it will definitely be useful in future.

relieving oneself in the wild was another highlight of the 6 day stay outdoors. digging a hole, bomb the hole, fill the hole.

sitest was more or less similar in terms of living conditions. the test was so fun. i had the opportunity to do some risky stuff. that jus means more excitement.

treasure ur bed. treasure the food available. treasure all kinds of comfort. the fan is a great invention =)

be nice to others.. be nice.. where did your confidence go?!

congrats to happy 3 friends who got into medicine. why isnt there a place for me? i wonder.. i am jus not good enough. yeah. not good enough.

sometimes ns isnt tt fun at all.. esp when you cant get your own peaceful quiet time. the time to be alone. the solitude.

ppl do not share the same liking for the songs i listen to.. erm.. too bad.. they jus do not understand me.. hahaha.. i shall be unique.. i am unique.. qk forever!!

nice day

had a nice morning w happy 3 frens.. when happy 3 frens saw me.. then they dun look so happy.. yien was as usual.. so mean.. the moment she saw me, started laughin.. my new hairdo isnt tt cmi la.. grace complained abt the rain.. den there went yien.. leaving me alone in mac.. wth.. sarah came later n had breakfast.. it wasnt as gd as i expected it to b.. anyw, i am thankful they agreed to a meetin w the all wonderful qk =D i promise i wont accept sarah's suggestions anymore.. meeting for breakfast is dumb.. need to wake up so early and travel to a weird place jus to haf breakfast.. mac breakfast isnt v nice too..

the day b4, had dinner w val n bumped into penguin.. not bad.. saw 2 ppl in 1 day.. nice dinner.. went alfred's house to do some catching up.. scouts arent tt bad right?! lol

then came the best part of the day!!! i asked miss koh out!! lol.. after some "rubbishy" persuasion, she agreed to meet me for lunch.. isnt tt wonderful?! she's always so nice to entertain me =D however, qk needs to boost his ego abit.. so this means i am charismatic n persuasive!! lol
waited for the VIP at lot1 for a long long time.. n guess who spotted me.. samuel goh from MOHAWK.. after knowing i am bookin in on wed.. he #$@%$% abt leopard sayin we are jus too slack.. qk believes in leopard.. everyone loves leopard.. everyone loves qk too..

the lunch wasnt v gd.. but the talkin after lunch was wonderful.. sitting by the kiddo swimming pool n talking.. w the breeze n the scenary.. i duno if i bored my listener w my talking but i felt good.. i hope she felt good oso.. (if u read this u can tell me if u felt gd anot).. anyw, u can bring him to sit there n talk too.. gd ambience.. esp at nite.. jus find an interesting topic.. u haf to fuel the convo.. gd luck..

at nite, my dad commented for the past 5 days.. he din manage to haf dinner w me.. i feel guilty.. yeah.. had dinner w my family in front of the tv.. lol.. at least i made my parents happy for once.. i feel gd again..

i always felt gd abt army.. booking in will be fun.. however, i guess the time spent by the pool made me think otherwise.. to me, it really felt like the way i wanted all my outings to be like.. having convo w ppl.. at a nice place.. jus talking.. mayb the convo may b kinda dumb.. i need to find new interesting topics to fuel convos.. anyw, convos can work well if u talk abt things u've been thru.. ur experiences for a certain event.. i am lookin forward to the next book out.. to hear stuff.. or share stuff.. i miss ppl..

i need to break tt barrier.. or help wileen break tt barrier.. i want to talk to her literally hear her voice.. do i sound desperate? lol..

i need to focus to get back to the NS mode.. get high.. highly explosive.. energy burst.. i am the MOTIVATING force for everyone.. i am the engine of the machine.. i am the GREAT!!!