is there any place which is meant for me.. at least for now?

week in week out, PLC and home are my 2 frequent hangouts. the former drains your energy, degenerates your youth and wasting your life away with countless times of non-stop waiting. waiting has become an art, from bslc to aslc, the lvl has increased a dozen folds. i can understand y ppl dislike totalitarian societies. it is jus the case in the normal military context, the higher one sits on the hierachy, the more powerful he is. everyone listens to him even though his orders are insensitively stupid and inflexibly sadistic. uncle sam.. this is the second time this nickname i heard so far during my service. in bmt, uncle sam is 1SG who refuses to punish anyone physically while in sispec, uncle sam is some warrant with his unique set of values. his understandin of care for soldiers is kind of limited but i do acknowledge the fact tt he still has it in him. anyw, i guess he is caught between the rules and welfare for trainees. he has his dilemmas too but for now i seriously cant be bothered by tt.

as for home, i am beginning to dislike it too. returning home for jus 1 day every week means tt i dun really have any feelings attached to it. all i feel now is tt home is a place for me to get away from camp. away from regimental life, but i am sure my mom knows how to remind me of life in camp, reducing my own kind of freedom to her style. reminding me to settle uni application stuff. when the uk deal is halted, now she bugs me w the irish deal, i cant blame her or my aunt who seems to be the driving force behind all these "troubles".

i wonder who i can blame for all the misery i am goin through. of cos misery is a word too harsh and powerful, i cant think of any other word which has the same meaning but on a tone-down scale. anyw, mp3 player is sort of banned. wat gadgets can entertain me for the nxt 6 days? live firing is on monday, (my sat is wasted waiting for those who fired on sat to return to coy line) the gd deal is tt i am appointed as 2ic. no flanking, jus firing and there is a chance of using the grenade launcher. well, try to stay happy. 32k march n river crossing coming up. sigh. it will jus be get dirty n get over w it. it will be over soon. time flies even though u watch time past slowly as u wait.

reminiscence

my mom fixed the com.. the com which has been dead since last dec.. the data in the com arent destroyed.. looking at the files, the songs - reminded me of the days before A lvl.. the songs i used to listen to.. my sudden interest in chinese music.. the fm2006 game which i was proud of during tt time.. deicide game which i gave up after goin back to china.. total club manager 2003 which still contains my laros - goal scoring machine.. but these are all the past.. the present isnt bright..

delta.. i couldnt find the source of the quote but one high authority commander in delta once said HOPE IS FREE.. i guess i can hope for all i want n i wont get wat i hoped for.. i will not Out Of Course.. i will complete this ASLC no matter how fked up it is.. my left knee is accumulating stress recently.. i dont have enuf rest to recover.. yst when jumping up the little slope and landing on my left leg, the knee hurts more..

my temper has been adjusted.. i am nicer to my parents.. i think mayb it is due to the short time spending tog.. problems always surface on the long run? haha.. i hope things remain this way.. i duno wat has gotten into me.. i found weeloon really irritating yst.. using the word sad for no fking reason.. sad cos his eyesight isnt tt gd n mistook someone else as yien.. sad cos he has a sun navigation ex and off in lieu on monday.. sry but wtf? at least his wkend burnt is returned.. thanx sham, u jus noe how to take.. learn to give back..

qk rules - confidence building up? qk stop lying to urself!!

i am back home again!

how would i describe this wk? time wasting.. inefficiency.. promises not met (betrayal).. signs of inhumanity.. stupidity.. and once again this word i have been using frequently.. Demoralising..

time wasting - self explanatory.. it has always been like this.. there arent any changes made.. it was left to be like that all the time..

inefficiency - it has been another significant symbol of the force

betrayal - when they make promises and say they will do something for us.. it is jus packs of lies.. they wont do it.. they will ignore you when you try to alert/notice them abt the issues..

signs of inhumanity - no nights outs and intention to bring in extra training even after wasting half a wkend of the trainee..

stupidity - calling out all the 190+ names, alerting the trainees on their details, after that stated he will paste the detail sheet on the board for the trainees to look at them..

demoralising - witnessing others having nights out.. witnessing others having canteen breaks while i have to prepare stores..

today i had hours of free time doin nothing n listenin to conversations of others.. "i cant take it anymore" was all i could say when i overheard a group having an intellectual talk abt maths n abt infinity and how wonderful certain ideas are.. how walmart, google are goin to be powerful.. how they monopolize their business.. bla bla bla.. sry for this ignorant comments coming up - so wat if others can monopolize business.. u cant do a thing to stop them.. since some alr mentioned more capital will eventually make you last longer thus giving you an advantage at the start.. so it is quite impossible to turn the tables.. lamenting/feeling excited how zai these companies can monopolize, wat can it do? it isnt practical to help u in anything.. i will be really appreciative if those ppl could stop discussing on a topic which will not end up on any conclusions.. i need some peace.. basically men are selfish.. i need my peace.. (i state tt i am not against any of those ppl in the discussion.. jus tt i dun like some of their accents..)

on the bus back to civilisation.. i saw groups of foreign workers (in their hostels) coming out to have fun on the fields.. playing cricket, soccer or even having a hair cut.. i see them like us NSF.. compelled to work with low pay.. having communal living.. a cluster of males enjoying the weekend out tog.. having fun and enjoying w minimal resources.. basically a break from the mundane and I MUST EMPHASIZE the "forced" lifestyle can really satisfy a man.. poor foreign workers..

i have been missing her slightly recently.. i guess after the uncomfortable and dirty trainings and msgin potential replying personnels, only she replied.. n quite quickly in the midst of studyin for an exam.. i guess it's her nature to reply others if she gets a msg.. a habit.. a habit i am appreciative of.. although there isnt much for us to sms abt.. the reply was sufficient to feel much better..

my mom fixed the com.. great.. =D actually i oso duno why it is great..

soccer!!

yst's soccer was wonderful!!! wonderful!! wonderful!!!

mayb the game wasnt really tt spectacular as i am describing it, but it was really fulfiling since the goals, the assists and the style of play i played yst was wat i always believed in.. the tactics worked.. the partnerships worked.. everything worked.. it was really satisfying..

weeloon scored 2 amazing goals.. a volley and first touch shot.. i provided both assists.. the kind of play i believed in.. drawing defenders to me n provide space for my teammates and providing them w a pass.. the build up to the volley is magnificent.. i dun mean to praise myself but the luck was there.. juggling the ball n challenging for aerial balls w 2 opponents for a while n finally heading the ball to weeloon to unleash a volley into the goal.. the nxt was turning n holding up the ball on the left of the court, drawing 2 defenders to me again, spotting weeloon free, passing the ball to him w a backheel.. he left the keeper stunned w a first touch tap in..

my partnership w weiheng was there even though we din tog for like ages.. the usual "cb pass la" prompted me to backheel him the ball n he rammed it home.. woohoo..

i oso scored quite a number of goals.. a solo effort from the right side of my court, cutting diagonal to the left.. the straight to have a one on one w the keeper.. ole the keeper.. woohoo.. the usual weeloon long ball.. controlled it for one on ones.. my poaching instincts din fail me too.. capitalised on some gk error.. lol.. i feel so fresh to play soccer..

the encouragin thing was to hear the oppo singled me out to mark.. lol.. ppl recognised me as a threat.. i love tt feeling.. ego boosting!!!

maf was nice, hanging out w the usual crowd back in jc.. happy 3 frens gave me 3 happy small tortoises.. thanks.. although i duno wat i can do w the tortoises.. but i really appreciate the gift..

had supper w cy, val and marcus at 5star chicken rice.. had a bus ride home w val.. it was so JC liked.. it used to be a routine now it is jus once in a blue moon..

i am booking in.. i feel happy now.. hope it continues for the rest of the wk..

goin back

this wk, i have been emotionally unstable.. after the insomnia spell, i finally went to slp after watchin all the GTO dramas.. too shag to think - jus slp.. this is bad for health.. but i dun think i have any other choice, for it is already over..

spent my day watching films, dramas on crunchyroll.. all the weird films, hk, jap, korean etc.. some are really interesting while others are jus plain dumb? i wonder how they can decide to film somethin lidat e.g. prince of tennis.. all the stunts and tricks in anime transformed into real-life action.. dot dot dot, wat else can i say?

i've slpt enuf today.. in the morning, in the afternoon.. later at night.. i guess i will be charged up for the fucked up delta.. mood - adjusted alr i think.. but delta remains fked up.. i dun care..

i miss myself.. lively.. not much worries.. talkin rubbish in sch everyday.. disturbing others.. playin soccer.. let me try since i jus listened to 一路向北, so 不要 kb.. 6 days will pass quickly.. i have alr given up any hope on any fri book outs.. this brings back memories of her, my constant changing of my stand to accommodate, to make me feel better.. less the expectation, less the disappointment..

i muz be strong, cant let ppl to worry abt me, esp my mom..
heal me.. i can only depend on songs now..

insomnia

i guess this time i have to admit i am really affected by NS..





i duno if this is depression, but i really dread the idea of returning to camp.. esp delta.. those days when i had to book in for BMT or BSLC, it never felt this bad.. to think tt this is only end of wk zero.. i must be true to myself.. I HATE DELTA





there are times when i try to think tt it is jus abt endurance.. jus think positively and be optimistic abt the nxt 11 wks.. i seriously cant find a reason to do so.. pardon anyone reading.. FUCK YOU DELTA..





i dont think i am unreasonable here demanding welfare.. but for the effort the coy had put in.. we deserve some form of benefits.. NS is famous for screwing up my plans and schedule.. it is the same this time, i spent so much free time doin applications and in the end, it comes to an end due to my saturdays taken away by live firing.. or the taiwan trip.. initially, i dun think i have any right to complain since it is fated, unlucky to have those time slots.. but the OC's behavior this wk clearly demonstrated he dislikes us to have free time.. bastard.. to hell w u, at least for now..





back in camp, there will definitely be ppl telling you to face it.. u feel u are mentally weak not standing up to the "delta challenge".. others in camp or outside will encourage u to put ur mind off it.. it is really impossible..





my mom doesnt understand me too.. the impression she gives me is tt i cant slp due to the uni applications, she even asked me to check the email on the replies of irish uni.. sigh.. y cant she jus feel for me a little.. we are jus nt in sync.. she cares for me but she is always not thinking w me, assuming wat she thinks is right.. all parents are like this.. u jus cant help it..



FUCK YOU DELTA.. it feels abit better..

纳闷

- can anyone suggest the english equivalent of these 2 chinese characters?
- can anyone suggest another emotion status for my current condition other than these 2 chinese characters?
- can anyone suggest how delta OC should function so that the coy's trainees, including me wont feel the effects of these 2 chinese characters?
- can anyone suggest..?

getting the beret marks another milestone of my NSF career. the pay is still around 50 cents per hour.. so it doesnt really help much when u think u've jumped 2 ranks.. nowadays, ranks are quite worthless unless u reach somewhere near the top..

we did reach the top of the elephant hill after a 4km fast march. the field pack felt much lighter maybe due to the even weight distribution (for once).. the marching pace was really fast, somehow i managed to keep up enduring the pain in my right shin for the initial part.. i even overtook a guy in front of me (i'm in the 3rd row.. lol).. i guess he lagged behind due to the pace.. everyone is for himself, sry, it's a harsh fact.. i tried to "encourage" him to cover up.. but if he couldnt do it.. then i guess die out if he must.. finally the last part of the steep uphill slope was really tedious.. reaching the top was really nice, at least i watched the sunrise.. the beret presentation was secondary, well it was just a show put up by the SAF to mark the promotion of PTE to CPL, in the end, u are still a trainee.. what's the big deal?

the march back to coy line was motivating, thinking of the breakfast, bathing n our well-deserved rest.. the happiness was short-lived. OC decided to take us on a short (2k) run.. followed by a clean fatigue SOC.. take it as training to build up our stamina.. the stupid part was to disturb the other ASLC coy by running to their coy line and perform the stupid the warcry.. if the OC finds joy in disturbing others and to show (wayang) his coy's enthusiasm and unity.. sigh.. maybe he has his own way of thinking - but i couldnt bother less..

the depressing part was the inability to book out on fri night.. given the no. of sat confined due to various "live" trainings.. OC wanted to give us cohesion games.. the idea was there.. but the execution was really messed up.. if he thinks it can gel ppl together, i really applaud his imagination.. low morale soldiers will never achieve the objective easily.. it takes much more effort to get the same results compared to high morale trainees.. i think he understands tt idea but as i've said again, his execution is screwed up..

i can just 'happily' live w this delta coy.. =D is no longer there.. =S is appearing everywhere..
i really appreciate the chinese coming up with the 2 chinese characters UP UP there..

delta sends me home - devastated

timeline of delta

0700 - reached
before 0800 - someone got pumped for talkin in the bloody file
arnd 1030 - 5 ppl booked themselves guard duty this wkend.. thanx to OC n a slpin guy..
till 1800 - lots of cleaning, distribution of stores, settling the admin stuff.. delta sends u home for a rest.. telling you abt the schedule of the nxt day n the following.. set standards for 6km run tml to 36mins.. failure means stay back n train on sat.. i guess i wont fail..

devastated - applications will have to stop now.. i wont make it.. delta's scheduling of live firing, live explosives etc etc on sats.. only the 1st 2 sats are free (which may be replaced by training for failure to meet their standards).. btw, this sat isnt supposed to course week.. zzz

tts the end of wat i can do.. tts the end.. jus hope my aunt dun create somethin for me again.. i can hope for the best to happen.. actually i am quite at loss since i think i've put in some effort in this jus to noe tt NS has screwed up my plans again..

sorry, blame it on me - akon

you could blame on me.. you could blame on me

finding peace

it had been really long since i last posted an entry. I had lots of stuff to blog about for the past few weeks but the mood wasnt right. let me think what i have to say before i go to bed now, tomorrow is a brand new day whereby DELTA awaits me.

after last night, i became quite emotional suddenly. all the annoyance of administrative work and the prospect of spending 11 weeks in a stupidly regimental company disappeared after a night's rest. i had been watching bleach for the past few days. fighting for your love ones, fighting for your friends. forget about the fighting technique, they are jus the usual anime style, the plot is really not bad, no wonder people like bleach.

i completed watching 大清风云, all the fighting for the throne leads to the realisation of 1 thing - all you need is love. in the end, everyone will die due to age, illness etc. jus live your life happily and enjoy it with your loved ones. sibling love, love of lovers, motherly love, the secondary needs of human is fame and power. primary needs still revolves around emotional needs - love.

well i guess i have an idea how i should act when i am in the new company with new people around me. spread the love. dont be selfish. dont show any that stupid attitude of mine. even if it doesnt benefit me, do it if it benefits others. when others slack, try not to join in the fun. new resolutions. hopefully i am determined enough to follow what i preach now on this virtual platform. qk is great. he is great.

friendship. weeyin the violent winnie. this part is jus for you if you so happened to read it. it has been 2 years or so and amazingly we still keep in touch. i cant help it to tease you about being violent especially when it is an universal truth. no doubt you are gentle at times but sorry to annoy you again, you did give me a punch. a punch which began this so called friendship. wth, this is freaking emo. i am going to cry!!! anyways, talkin to you yesterday helped a lot. the content of our conversation and how i've changed has got no relevance at all. but at least, you are there to "entertain" me. i guess you are the only one who will stay up so late, and not on stealth mode for me to "disturb" when i am in the best of moods. thank you. sian this is too emo again, i started crying already!!

wth again! it's 1:30. 4 more hours left for me to sleep? ok goodnight folks!

once again, qk is great..